Doggone it, Borders!

I am starting to regret signing up for that Borders Rewards card years ago.

It was spring break 2006, I was in Chicago, getting ready to see Wicked with my aunt and cousin. We were browsing Borders before the show, because we had a few hours to kill. I decided to purchase a copy of The Da Vinci Code, because I knew the movie was coming out soon and I wanted to re-read the book before seeing the movie. It just so happened that at that particular Borders, they were holding a special discount for anyone who worked in the education field-- this also included people who were studying to be teachers. If you fit this criteria, you got a special discount-- plus a Border's Rewards card for an even bigger discount. At the time, I was still a middle childhood education major. Therefore, I jumped at the opportunity, honestly just looking to save a few bucks (hey, I was a college sophomore living in a crappy dorm room with a diet that primarily consisted of Ramen noodles and Easy Mac-- I was in no position to turn down a discount!).

I didn't think much about the card. I rarely (if ever) shop at Borders-- I'm more of a Barnes and Noble kind of gal. Hell, I actually lost the card less than a month later. That's how little I honestly cared. The card was free, and I got the discount I was really after. I didn't need anything else.

However, since then... Borders has been all over me.

I am not exaggerating when I saw that they constantly fill my Inbox with their emails about "special discounts." Even when I "spam" the emails, more of them seem to pop up. It has been happen periodically since 2006: I will have a period of time in which I will get nothing from them. Then, for a while, the emails will just starting pouring in. It's especially worse around the holiday season... which unfortunately is the time of the year now.

And I thought that the 20-some emails I get per day from MoveOn.org were annoying!

Yeah, I know. It's a petty thing to get so annoyed about. But really... I said I'd sign up for the rewards card. I didn't say "Oh, please... by all means fill my email Inbox with unnecessary junk email whenever you darn well please!"

Ugh. Stupid internet.

Is it bad that I find this to be more than just a little disturbing?

Random question that has come into my mind on this lovely finals week.

Why do some people have so little tact that they find it necessary to loudly point out that one's butt crack is showing because their pants slipped in the back? Or, worse, they feel the need to be disgusting and touch the butt crack because they think it is funny?

Listen, asshats. I have a long torso. My pants tend to slip. Belts do NOT help this situation, and suspenders hurt my shoulders (plus they look really stupid). It happens. Do your really have to be rude and loudly point it out? I can't fucking help it!

That is all.

I have always hated it when other people touch my stuff. I am an extremely private person and I am not at all comfortable with other people using or touching my belongings without my explicit permission. I consider that to be a major invasion of my privacy. That is not and will never be okay with me. 

Actually, a major clue to how much I like you is whether or not I will allow you to touch or use my stuff. Especially the things that really mean something to me (e.g., my phone, my laptop, my iPod, etc). 

I do not understand why people think that it is okay to go through other people's stuff without asking. Seriously? Are people not taught manners? You don't invade other people's personal space. There is simply no excuse for that. Then again, I guess I might be one of the handful of people left in this world who was actually raised to have manners. Maybe. I sometimes wonder. *shrug* 



No, this isn't a "response" to anyone who did something tactless that pissed me off. I'm honestly just thinking about it. 


Sometimes I wonder if this is also why I do not like to be touched. (The personal space/privacy issue.) 

So. It is the final day of school of my undergraduate life. 

I should be happy, right? 

Nah. 

I just want to go home and take a shower. 



I'm so over all of this shit. So over it. I'm over all of the petty drama, the asinine statements that actually come out of some of my classmates' mouths, the willfully ignorant people who don't understand anything beyond their own group of friends, the people who like to give opinions about topics that they really don't even know the first thing about, the redundant debates about the definition of gender, the people who would rather whine and bitch rather than do anything about the situation, the hypocrites, the two-faced "friends"... 

I won't miss a single bit of that shit. I will, however, miss other aspects to undergraduate life that I didn't even know I would miss until it was gone.


I've applied to Toys R Us, Target, Kohls, and a hotel across the street. I'm going to apply to more when the opportunities arise. 

 ... am I the only one who thinks that the Google Logo for Veteran's Day looks like an erect penis? 

My best friend is published in a book! I am so happy for her right now!

Plus... I found out that her photo that is included in the book alongside her story is one that I took! Thus, my photography is published alongside her writing! How freaking awesome is that? I mean, more for her than me, of course. But I totally did not know that my photograph was going to to published, too. That's stellar!

For as tense and freaked out as I was last night, my mood just considerably improved. 

I am very tense and nervous. This is my last week of classes as an undergraduate. 

And I am freaking the fuck out. 

I still have not heard any news about graduate school. The more time that passes, the more I am freaking out. I can't NOT get in. I don't want to go back to Heath with Dad and have to leave HR *yet again* and move *yet again* and leave Dayton. I can't fucking deal with that. Not now. 

I'm waiting for my final transcript with the degree posted-- something, obviously, that I cannot get until *after* I graduate. That is the one thing that is prolonging this. 

Not that Chamberlain can't access it, anyway. 

I am crying and shaking and praying (well, sort of-- I can't make enough coherent words for a full prayer). 

I really truly do not know what I will do if I do not get in. I really do not. Res Services technically cannot force me to move out until my lease is up (I am contracted until June, so I'm good there). But then, I'd have to move anyway because I'd need to find a place to live that is cheaper. And try to get a job until I can re-apply for fall. (Or hell, I'd settle for a second BA at this rate.)

I'm so scared. I know the adult world is scary, but this is ridiculous. I have never been more terrified in my life. I know I'm more that ready for graduate school. I just do not think that I am ready for the "real world" (whatever that even is). I need school; I'm not ready for the business world yet. I'm just not!

*panic panic panic panic panic*

Please help me. 

Long, hard workout this afternoon.

I stopped keeping track of my workouts because when I was at Dad's house, my internet access was awful. But after adding 20+ workouts this quarter from Walk-Jog-Run class (plus about ten more from working out at the gym by myself or with Brittany), that would make my total at this point in the year close to 80. Not terrible. Not sure if I'll hit the 100 mark (although maybe I will; I tend to work out more in the winter time because going to the gym gives me an excuse to go be active). 

I was reflecting a lot on my old self. I am trying to track down some photos from back when I was running 2-3 times per day and eating maybe one meal per day; back when I weighed about 122 pounds (too thin for my body type). That was back when, according to therapists, my ED was in its formative stages. 

I will post these pictures once I find them. I need a reminder. A reminder of where I once was, and what we all need to help me avoid. 

(I'll post more later. I told HR I was just going to check my bank. So I have to be quick.)

I have been in my bedroom for over an hour. I have coffee on the pot, but I am too lazy to actually get off my ass and drink it. 

In other news, I am compiling a list of books that I will want to purchase for my library over the course of my lifetime. I will post the list later. For now... anyone have any suggestions? (I will check the book out at the library first, then purchase it if I like it.) 

Oh... and I don't care about the subject. I usually stick with religious studies or women's studies/feminism type books. However, most history (just not military history-- BORING!), social issues, political type books will do. Hell, I've suffered through Ann Coulter. I can read just about anything. 

Oh, and Ms. Brittany-- I highly recommend for you to find and read this book: search.barnesandnoble.com/Slaves-to-Faith/Calvin-Mercer/e/9780313364969 (it's the one I was telling you and Amanda about in the Women's Center yesterday at lunch). It is at the WSU library-- although right now, I have it checked out. It's pretty good. 

I have had accounts with YouTube since 2006 (note the plural; I have had three accounts total because the first two I had to get rid of because of drama). According to the stats in my most recent account's profile, I have watched 1,762 videos (and that does not include the videos that I have watched while not signed in). Multiple that by about three. So, yeah. I have watched a crap ton of videos. 

In all of those, what, 6,000+ videos that I have watched, I have seen some pretty stupid things. However, this video definitely takes the cake. Hell, this video takes the entire bakery, the pastry shop next door, and maybe even the delicatessen across the street. 

I hope my strong reaction does not offend anyone (although I certainly know that several of my LJ friends are not Christian anyway). 

Here is the video. It is being circulated around to try to scare people into being "good Christians" (despite the fact that there is no such thing). 



Call me naive, but I fail to see how many of those things have ANY connection whatsoever to one's relationship with their God. Now, I can understand the "I'm too busy to be devoted to my God" issue-- yeah, that has merit. This video, however, seems more like mass paranoia than anything else. God understand you have a life. That is FINE.

For the last few years, Wednesday has always been a very important day of the week for me. They were usually extremely busy days: classes, meetings, events, etc. Everything always seemed to be on Wednesday nights. Furthermore, they all ran one-right-after-another. I used to get to campus very early on Wednesday mornings (like 7-8am) and I would stay on campus until nearly 10pm. Hell, sometimes, even later. During my sophomore year, I was usually lucky if I stumbled back in my dorm before 2am or later. 

This year, however, I do not do anything at all other than school. I am involved in no activities. I do not go to events anymore. My Wednesdays, after classes end, are usually quite uneventful. 

This is a relief and a tragedy all at once. 

Sure, I got my Wednesday nights back. 

But at the same time... so many amazing memories that just one day of the week can hold. Wow. 


I don't know why I felt the need to say this. After all, it is 2am currently and I have an exam at 9:45am. I guess I'm just nostalgic right now. I keep looking back at the last few years, at all the good memories-- okay, and the bad ones (the broken dreams, broken promises, broken friendships, mistakes, bad judgments, bad moves, awful nights, low points, depression... the list continues). There are so many things that I would have done differently had I known what would happen. 

- I wouldn't have wasted so much time with a certain person with whom I made one of the biggest mistakes that I will always regret for the rest of my life. 

- I would have been there for Brittany when she needed me. (I admit it: I have been a terrible friend to her over the years. I do not know why she stays with me; I totally don't deserve her friendship sometimes.)

- I wouldn't have developed a drinking problem. (There. I said it. Now kindly erase this from your memory.)

- I wouldn't have let certain people get to me.

- I wouldn't have trusted people who didn't deserve it from me. 

- I would have started as a religion major sooner, rather than wasting 2.5 years in a major that I hated.


So many "would-have-beens" and "I-shouldn't-have-done-thats." It is enough to make my head spin. 

Welcome to the rest of your life, Marie. This, sadly enough, was just the tip of the iceberg. Your real life will be here in a few months. 


Sometimes I wish I could run back to 2006. My life was so much simpler in those days. God, I would kill to be that naive again. I was 20 years old, and I had nothing to lose. Nothing at all. 

The truth? Well... does anyone remember New Years 2007? When I drank too much (two bottles of rum over the course of 12ish hours)? When I rang in the year 2007 by throwing up off Nick's balcony at his old apartment in College Park? The night that I got so sick that Nick and Aaron were honestly afraid that something was going to go seriously wrong? Like that I would get alcohol poisoning or something?

The truth is... Marie went up into that apartment that night. She never came back out. She left herself inside that liquor bottle. 

Since that night... the innocence I had up until that point of my collegiate life was officially dead and buried. 

And even now, three years later (this New Years, actually)... I would give anything to have it back. 

*facedesk* 

The Women's Center is so boring today that it is making me want to scream. The only people in here are me and Justin, and neither one of us feel up to chatting. 

Ugh. Boring. 

It's sad that I'm actually sort of looking forward to class so I can have something to do. 

The operative phrase here being "sort of." 


In other news, I have been talking to a new friend (Brittany intro'd us) who regularly collects donations for a Native American reservation. I've learned quite a bit through this person. These people living on these reservations lead lives that most of us would recoil at the very thought of. They literally have nothing. They do not even have toilet paper; the people who visit to donate are actually asked to bring toilet paper for themselves to use during the trip, because there is none up there for them to use. 

Yeah. That bad. 

Then, it made me think about homeless people in this society. People who are often ignored or stigmatized for being "lazy" or "dangerous." These people are treated just as poorly as the Native Americans; the only difference is that rather than being pushed to reservations and so convieniently "forgotten", these people are right on our doorsteps. We just choose to either ignore them-- or, worse, we tell them to get out of "our neighborhood" (as if we own it or something) because THEY are making US uncomfortable. 

The rest of us hear these stories. We say, "How sad." We have pity. But we do nothing. We just go right back to eating our Chinese take-out dinner, tossing the leftovers in the fridge "to save for later", then we take a warm shower, change our clothes and put on fresh underwear, and climb into our warm beds and fall asleep, feeling safe, secure, and content. 

We are too full of ourselves to realize that we take every single one of these things for granted. We don't understand the luxury of having clean clothes and access to showers... because it has never been taken away from us. 

We do not know what it feels like to not even be able to change your underwear everyday. Because that is the life of homeless people and those on these reservations. To have so little money that you can't even afford to change your underwear. And being a woman and not being able to afford menstruation products... yeah, imagine the hell there. 

And here we all are, bitching about sexism on campus, holding programs about awareness raising for OUR problems. They don't even have time to worry about that shit; let's face it-- who cares about equal rights when you can't even afford to wipe your ass? 

I would love to meet some so-called activists who will actually, for once, put their money where their mouth is. Rather than go on and on about all the "good" they are doing because of all the "radical activism" they pursue in their area. Mmmm, yeah. I'll give you a real radical idea for activism: give a homeless person a pack of clean underwear!

Think about someone other than yourself for once. 

I have been forcing myself to eat more vegetables lately. As in, raw vegetables that do not have any sort of dressing and/or seasoning on them. Natural veggies, I guess you can call them. 

I'm also trying my hardest to take that stupid multivitamin and calcium tablet every day. 

(I still don't drink as much milk as I should, but that's what the calcium is for!) 

I'm either walking or running at least twice per week. I haven't been to the gym at all since two weeks ago, because Brittany and I got sidetracked. I'm going to the gym all  this week, with or without her. 

I have barely smoked in three months now. I haven't drank very much alcohol, either. 



So... when am I supposed to "feel" healthy? 

To whoever writes the "rules" of health: YOU SUCK!

 Not sure why, but I'm in an atrocious mood today. Everyone and everything that comes out of their mouths is just making me want to scream. 

I have no idea why I'm in this mood. I just am. 

But we're allowed to have moods, right? 


Argh. Fuck it. 

This is possibly the only remotely profound thing that Homer Simpson has ever said: 

"But I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, I love my kids! So why should I have to spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?"

(Obviously, he was talking about why he didn't want to go to church.)


I don't know why I just thought of that. It crossed my mind, mostly because I am taken aback at how that statement is actually quite interesting. Ha. See? Even Homer Simpson gets it!

 So. I am fully aware that I should be working on Access homework. 

But damn it... I just ate Chipotle. With HR and Brittany and that Mark-dude. I am le tired, damn it. 


I also got two more books from Half Price Books. Thus, I am offically CUT OFF until after November. NO MORE BOOKS FOR MARIE! She's read enough, damn it. 

I am pretty sure my phone is flashing red. Eh. Whatever it is, the caller/texter can wait. Mama's too tired to talk. 

Also, I am going to have my story finished soon. Yay! I just hope that it doesn't suck as much as I feel it does. HR read some of it and liked it. I'm pretty sure that's a good sign. 

Sleep now.

EDIT: And I just realized I've said "damn it" a lot in this post. Ha! I guess that's the phrase of the day... damn it. 

Of course, I am posting this in the form of photos. 

1. The Plumber's Crack



Your ass crack is NOT an accessory! 



2. Mixing opposing patterns 



'Nuff said. 



3. Huge ass sleeves 



...actually, that dress on its OWN is a disgrace.



4. Flashy sequin purse



I'm sorry-- did you buy your bag second-hand from a Drag Queen?!



5. Clothes that are too big as a "fashion" statement



I don't care what the Olsens say. The "swimming in my clothes" look is unflattering and dumpy. I don't know why it became such a fashion statement. Nobody looks good swimming in yards of fabric! I mean, LOOK AT THEM! They just look... sick. (FYI: Pregnancy and "I'm sick today" large tee shirts are one thing; purposefully swimming in clothing in an attempt to look good are just wrong.)



6. Clothes that are way too small for your body




Too tight, too small... just a bad idea all around. If this guy were about 60 pounds heavier, he would be an amazing reenaction of the late Chris Farley's "Fat Guy in a Little Coat." 



7. Rear-view drawers 

Baggy jeans are one thing. But nobody wants to see your undies. Could you PLEASE pull your goddamn pants up? The whole "slob" look just needs to hurry up and die. I hated it back in 1994 when the whole "grunge" thing was really taking off (and not to date myself, but I was only eight) . I hated it in 2002 when I was in high school and boys were constantly pulling up their drawers as they walked down the hall. And I especially hated it in 2005 in college when, without a dress code, I constantly walked behind guys with half their asses hanging out of their pants. Yeah. No bueno! Either wear a belt or actually buy pants in the correct size. You don't look tough; you look like a dumb ass.



8. Thong-and-low-riders combo

This look wasn't "sexy" back in 2003, and it still isn't sexy today. I'm sorry, but wearing your underwear outside your pants is just straight up trashy. Then girls use the paper-thin excuse "Well, if you don't like it, then you shouldn't look." SERIOUSLY?! How do you expect us NOT to look, when you sit there with HALF  YOUR ASS hanging out of your pants, and this BRIGHT BLUE THONG staring up at everyone like a neon sign flashing "Look at me! Look at me! I think I'm sooo hot, but I really just have so little self confidence that I have to show off my UNDERWEAR to get attention!!" It's sad. It's really fucking sad. Save the thongs for the bedroom. Nobody needs to see that. 



9. Sweatpants/Uggs combo



Okay, not going to lie: every time I see a girl on campus wearing sweatpants with a pair of Uggs, I seriously get this overwhelming urge to throw my coffee in her face. I mean, seriously! That is probably the stupidest fashion statement that anyone ever started! I don't care if Paris Hilton wore Uggs with sweatpants. She looked like a dumbass, and so do you!! 

10. Camel Toe



Easily the mother of all bad fashion... the notorious slip of the pants up the vagina. I had a teacher in high school who was FAMOUS for this. Camel. Toe. Never good. Often portrayed in the early 90s by Jessie Spano. However, Camel Toe will never has been okay. It never WILL be okay. So please. Pull your pants OUT of your crotch. Please....

 You want to know what an endless source of entertainment is? 

Sing your LJ user name. No, really. Sing it. 

It is honestly amazing how many different ways you can sing something as mundane as a user name for a blogging network.
 

I personally enjoy spelling my user name, using each letter as a "scale." First, I go "higher" on the scale; then, I sing it again, going "lower." (Think: Do re mi... then mi re do)



I think it may have just become apparent that I really am stalling for time. I do not want to do my computer science homework. Fuck you, MS Access 2007. 

My Photo Montage Includes...

Photo #1: Something I'm grateful for.
Photo #2: Something my best friend would love.
Photo #3: What I feel at the moment.
Photo #4: Something I want in the future.
Photo #5: Something I am addicted to in a good way.
Photo #6: Something that makes me laugh really hard.


Photo #1:





Photo #2a:



Photo #2b:






Photo #3: 






Photo #4:






Photo #5: 





Photo #6: